* I dedicate this post to my younger sister who has become one of my best friends; who is going through her own journey of letting go; who laughs with me through the goofiness and challenges motherhood brings especially watching our babies grow up.*

Yards of linen blue fading to white in the most beautiful texture that once wrapped my little boy and brought me into a new place of being ok with him and him ok with me…

I shipped it off today and I am finally ok.

My son was born 2-1/2 years ago. I had it in my head that things would be very similar to my daughter…. easy to breastfeed, lots of cuddles and since we already went through everything with our daughter, how hard could it be? I thought I had this baby thing down pat.

Enter my son… full of strength, determination and his own ideas about everything….from the very first breath. All the things I thought would be easy – were incredibly challenging. Especially the emotions – I was more depressed and anxious than I had ever been in my life. Meanwhile my (then 3 year old) daughter was still her cheerful beautiful self wanting mommy to play. It was difficult to put my son down and most days I just wanted to cry.

After trying out different carriers, slings and wraps, a woman from the local baby wearing group loaned me a beautiful blue and white linen wrap. She showed me how to wrap it and then I learned how to do a front-carry since he LOVED facing out to see the world around him. I fell in love with the feel; the way it wrapped me and my baby all together…. and that he was finally ok…. I was finally ok. It gave me the freedom to play with my daughter again and to go outside to visit the horses. It gave me freedom to go to the store and be virtually hands free while shopping.

And although I was still struggling emotionally, this piece gave me something I could do with son on my own and we were ok.

Ultimately I ended up buying the wrap – the cost was nothing compared to the gift it brought. It was truly a treasure found.

My son is now long past being carried in a wrap. He’s 33 pounds and growing – a solid boy. After much back and forth I decided it was time to let it go. I debated on making it into something – after all, the money was already spent. But I kept coming back to letting how. I’ve had this size 6, 182 inch long wrap listed for sale for months with no activity; no one asking for more info or wanting to negotiate. I came to the conclusion I would give it another few weeks and if it didn’t sell then I would keep it and put it away.

Then all of a sudden to my surprise, last Wednesday I received an eBay notification on my phone that I had just sold my item!

I was elated and shocked! That’s money I can use for school supplies or more winter clothes for my growing-like-a-weed kids! Finally!

Ok… time to pack it up…

I walked down the hall to the front room of my office where is has been wrapped around a mannequin I had used to help display it for a photo. I carefully unwrapped the blue and white fabric and all of a sudden I was overcome with sadness. I gathered it up and just held the yards of fabric in my arms… in tears…

As I sat there on the couch holding the fabric, I could only think “wait… I”m not ready yet. I don’t want to let go. Did I make a mistake? Should I have sold it?” It wasn’t even about the money at that point.

“Letting go, putting it in a box and delivering it to the post office felt like such a final act. It means accepting that my babies are not babies any more; that they are growing up. It means I won’t carry them the same and they will need me differently,” I thought.

I sat not wanting to let it go… yet.

No. Not yet…I just needed more time to say goodbye to that part of my journey… a very challenging one at that… and hello to the one ahead.

This was not at all what I expected.

That same night I spoke with my sister about a very personal journey she is going through. We laughed and cried about our struggles in letting go of our babies; of certain aspects of our lives. To the outsider it may have sounded silly but to us it gets to the deepest parts of our souls. It gets to the very heart of ourselves as women, and mothers. Though each on our own journey I believe God brought us together that particular night to share and relate to each other in a way only moms can understand. I felt less silly and so did she. We had the acceptance to just be however we needed to be. Sometimes internally I believe gives us that subconscious permission to let go a little more; to keep traveling on the journey knowing we have a hand to hold along the way…especially when it gets hard.

So instead of doing anything that night, I took no action. I sat with my thoughts; and I shared with my husband what I needed. I allowed myself the time to process.

Later the next day, I messaged the buyer and said I’d ship it on the weekend. Just to give myself time to process and take some photos with the kids. My husband and kids helped get these beautiful photos .. a sort of graduation onto the next chapter, letting go and  remembering how it felt to wrap my boy in that beautiful linen fabric.

I knew I’d regret it if we didn’t just do it and afterwards a sense of closure washed over me and I was suddenly ok with letting go. I felt so right; so whole and happy for doing what I needed no matter how silly it may have seemed to anyone around me. I now feel excited about what is coming up ahead and grateful for the wonderful, cherished memories.

How fitting that it was at dusk that we played, ran and laughed. Like the setting of the sun on our day, this was the closing of a chapter and renewal of laughter with the expectation that there will be a new day with the rise of the sun.

My children will grow up and learn to handle life on their own; yet my hope is that they will always know the warmth of my arms around them and that I will forever carry them in my heart. To me they will always be my babies. And as long as I’m alive, I will be here to hold them when they need me.

The same beautiful yards of linen fabric that wrapped my little one close to my heart; that provided me with a peace I needed. These yards of love will now wrap another in that same love and warmth; They will help keep a mother sane and bring her peace because she can now keep her little one close to her heart wherever she goes.

Mom’s… it is ok to be sad and even mourn the ending of a chapter. Allow yourself to feel every beating of your heart and every tear on your cheek. Talk with a friend or a family member, do what you need for YOU. When you are ready and only when YOU are ready, pick up the pieces and carry on for your are stronger than you think.