I get it. I’m a mom, a wife and a business owner and I’ve been living this craziness and my comfort is knowing that I am not alone. You are not alone either.
Living in this whole new world with COVID19 is not anything anyone expected for 2020. My business started off pretty good for 2020 and we were looking forward to a great year. Kids were doing great in school, loving every minute. Then BAM… the shut down. The first reaction was shock, then came the knowing that we had to adapt and we started to roll with things.
Now….nearly 6 months later, we are in a new “normal” and I am kinda done. I’ve adapted though not loving parts of it. I am finding joy where I can and there’s actually a lot I have been able to accomplish. I’ve read a lot of books, worked on professional development, personal well-being, spent more time with my husband and kids. So there are some positives.
And then there are the days, to be honest, that it is downright challenging emotionally. Add to that our current political climate in the United States and I feel like I’m in a Loophole of Crazy at times!
Up and down we go, around and around, feeling like I’m on an emotional roller coaster that I cannot exit some days. As long I lock myself in my office, my home or spend the quiet days in my yard where no one else is around, and stay off social media, I can pretty much forget that there’s this virus raging around us and a divided country. I can pretty much forget that there are inherent risks to a lot of things we used to do.
And I’m ok with the inconveniences. What I miss are the hugs, the smiles, the getting togethers, the traveling and the moving about freely.
When reality hits me, it hits hard and I find myself cycling through grief … again and again.
A phone call came a few weeks ago, from the school, making sure I understand the meaning of my decision for my child’s education this fall. That choosing eSchool means I’m UN-enrolling her from her zoned school and we are committed to at least the 1st quarter. Yes – I am aware. I don’t want to put my child at risk. It’s not worth the chance and I have the ability to do that where other parents don’t. But my daughter not going back to traditional school means it’s easier to social distance for those who have to go.
My daughter was promoted at church to the next grade and received her bible. I was happy and we were all excited. As I pull around I see the people I love in masks. My daughter reach out to hug one of her favorite people and there’s the gentle, sweet reminder that we can’t.
My son says “when do I meet my teacher?” and I have to tell him he’s not going to school this year. He’s learning from home with mommy, daddy and Laurie (our sitter)
I run in the store for something quick for the 1st time in 5 months and there’s the plexiglass at the counter and plastic on the card reader, the cashier is wearing gloves.
My daughter expresses that she can’t wait to meet her teacher, and go to school to make new friends. I have explain that things are a bit different this year but we are going to make the best of it.
Those are the times when my heart breaks, it hits me and I’m choking back tears to be ok for my kids.
I will be honest. I am sad. I do grief the loss of everything I loved about being out and about in the world. I do not like this new “normal”. I do not like it Sam-I-Am, not with masks and not in a car, not with air hugs and not with 6 feet apart. I do not like it all.
Yet, at the end of the day, I will deal with the inconveniences and the changes. I do so because I want my kids alive. I want the teachers I love alive. I want the friends and family I love to stay alive.
So I allow the anger to come in, I allow the sadness and any other feelings to come in. I entertain them, I write, I talk about them and process through them because that is how we heal our hearts. We heal by being honest with ourselves and with others. Stuffing everything down and forcing ourselves into feelings we aren’t feeling just ends up exploding later. It’s in this way, I gradually find myself into a place of acceptance and move forward.
Food for thought
Next time you feel sad or angry about any of this. Talk about it, journal about it… but don’t keep it up inside. Next time a friend or family expresses sadness, anger, depression about all this COVID mess, or wearing a mask or having to juggle work and school … talk to them and be empathetic; seek some understanding and meet them where they are in that moment instead of judging their feelings or telling them why they shouldn’t feel a certain way. I venture to guess there’s a good chance there’s some grief in there and the empathy they feel from you will go a long way towards healing and acceptance.
We are all on this loophole of crazy. The more we can work together, practicing grace and patience… the better we can come out of this in a good place. There is not only a light at the end of the tunnel, if we look hard enough enough we can see some light IN the tunnel too and even be that light.
