Each of us is given an internal strength that helps us overcome anything. In many situations we even discover a power we didn’t even know we had, a supernatural power that gives us strength beyond measure and sometimes it takes something or someone outside of ourselves to show us the way.
In the moments that we are challenged and faced with a battle we draw on that strength. We have to so that we might live out our purpose. Horses have always been a part of my passion and my life. Although I never had one growing up, I dreamt of them. I adopted my first horse in 2002 who was with me to the end of his days. Now I have 3 that live on our farm. This is the story of JuneBug and how how her strength has shown me my own.
November 3, 2018, I met a little horse who shares that journey. Who, beyond all comprehension, survived with a heart to love in spite of her hurts and extreme loss. A heart that seeks out our attention, and welcomes it will everything she is in her. To me, that’s the heart of a champion.
From the moment I laid eyes on JuneBug, there was something almost magical about her. I had seen one of the original posts about her rescue (in January) and that she would eventually need adopting. I dismissed it because at the time it simply wasn’t feasible in my life to adopt another horse…. so I let it go.
Her original post picture sometime after she was rescued.Fast forward several months to October, and there it was, an ask to help find her a forever family and that face… those eyes… there was something about her that made me stop and take notice. In all honesty we weren’t planning on getting another horse… but like many things… there is a larger plan at work here…. God’s.
I was giddy like a child.
I told my husband and my long time friend and mentor, Katie about her. My husband, Andy, got his usual funny smirk on his face that he gets when he knows more than I; when he knows what I’m really thinking and that I’ve got another idea up my sleeve. My friend, Kaite said we could talk when she dropped off feed the next day. At this point she was thinking I was wanting her for Caitlyn to learn how to ride which she didn’t think was wise given that JuneBug still needs training. I trust her advice but I simply could not get her off my mind! So I reached out and arranged some times I could go meet JuneBug where she was living at the time.
The next day, Andy took the kids and I had a rare opportunity to have some peace and quiet. I had 4 hours all to myself!! I decided to spend it continuing to work through a book called “The Big Leap” and do some journaling.
Oh my goodness!!! I had some major breakthroughs. One of which has to do with this little JuneBug.
A little backstory.
I stopped an abusive relationship before I met my husband Andy. It was 2 years of being with someone who didn’t really believe in me, my strengths or abilities. Who thought my business was a joke. Of being threatened, hurt, isolated from friends. I allowed him to belittle the things I had always loved, criticize me, plant seeds of fear where there were none. I had been on the UF Equestrian Team, had ridden dozens of horses, all different types, yet somehow I was filled with fear. Why? I was even nervous riding a horse I had ridden 1000 times before. Why I went from confident to afraid has baffled me for years. Until that moment 2 years ago… I finally allowed the answer to come forward.
During my journaling… this is what I wrote…
In the Big Leap, Gary Hendrix talks about Upper Limit Behaviors. By definition: An upper limit behavior is a behavior that stops the flow of positive energy into our zone of genius. As I looked at the section on the upper limit behavior of deflecting as an upper limit behavior I somehow started thinking about this element of my past.
For years I’ve deflected on things I’m good at… “nah, it’s not that good” or “I hate this part of the design” or “really?you like it?” not really fully accepting what that person is saying as truth. How many of us do that?
And then a realization. I allowed my ex to stop my flow 14 years ago on my horseback riding, my business, anything good and even the idea that someone could actually love me. I ALLOWED IT. He planted the seed and and allowed it to come in and take hold, ultimately growing deep roots.
The question that has plagued me of Why? What happened to the me that got on any horse and rode? NOW I have an answer. The flow stopped when I allowed him in to my head; when I allowed his own ideas and fears about things to seep into my own space… like worrying I would fall off and hurt myself badly; or taking the childlike fun out of my love for horses, art, creating things for others and “playing” on the computer through the work I do for businesses.
I ALLOWED the fears to creep in where there were none. I allowed uncertainty and doubt where I had none; I allowed the disbelief in myself to take come in and take hold.
What’s the gift? That I can now see it and I can help others see it in their own lives. I can take it all back… all my passions… especially my creativity and the horses!! I can finally pull out that icky ‘plant’ by the roots!
That’s when it hit me… just maybe this CRAZY notion of training this pony is the expression of my childlike love for horses shining through again and taking hold. Taking that risk is crazy but maybe it’s just what I need to get me jumpstarted again and rebuild my confidence. After all, at 11.2 hands high she isn’t very big at all… Just my size! Maybe just maybe it’s not that crazy!
As I finished writing, I realized JuneBug isn’t for Caitlyn… she’s for me and the whole family!!! She’s as much a part of my healing as I am a part of hers.
So Kaite came over just after 2:30 on a Saturday and we started talking. She again shared that JuneBug was probably not a good idea for Caitlyn to learn on and I agreed.
And then I said “Kaite….JuneBug is not for her; she’s much more…”
November 3, 2018 – the 1st day we metI read my journal entry to my friend. By the end I was choking up in happy tears and she got it; she realized this was so much more. She knew and remembered what I had been through. In fact she was the one of 2 friends I managed to not let him run off. Her next question was “when can we go see her?” And off we went….
November 3rd was the day we met.
When I met JuneBug for the 1st time, there was this inexplicable energy that I was drawn to and everything felt right. I just knew.
I put a halter on her and led her into the round pen to play with her a little. I even got on! Wow!! That was the first day I’d been on a horse in at least 4 years! Can you believe that? I rode on a team in college and I let 4 years go by without riding?!
She was perfect and Katie gave her blessing too.
By that night I was filling out the adoption paperwork for little JuneBug and within a couple weeks she was joining the heard.
On November 9th, 2018 my friend pulled up with the trailer and JuneBug on board. She had arrived at her forever home at last and my heart was full. Isaac was with me and he went from being scared of horses to instantly at ease when she arrived.
Her first dinner, she stood squarely at the bucket that was Irish’s, my 17 hand draft and wasn’t even swayed by him!
Arriving home!JuneBug hasn’t just changed me, she’s changed our whole family and she’s been a perfect fit to our herd ever since. We’ve had a good journey so far and although I’ve admittedly held back from all we can be together; she’s been patient and loved me right where I’ve been. She has shown me what strength truly looks like. For that I am so very grateful!
Now nearly 2 years after she arrived, after working through more of my own fears, upper limits and experiencing more healing, I’ve regained my strength in heart, mind, body and soul. I am excited to get fully back in the saddle and ready to see just how far we can go together.
I am embracing by inner God-given power that I’ve had all along and I am letting the joy of my horses permeate my heart again to the fullest extent possible.
What experiences have you allowed to hold you back? How have those experiences stopped the flow of becoming your authentic self. Write them down and know that there IS healing around the corner.
