Dear Dakota:
April 13, 2019, a little after 5:00 in the evening we laid you, our dear Dakota to rest. For 15 years you were by my side. You were a comfort in the worst storm of my life and afterwards to help me heal. You were also there at the happiest day of my life. Your heart was full of nothing but love. I still remember the day I met you as a wee little puppy and held you in my arms. I remember how you looked up at me and I knew you were mine.
I remember sitting on the couch going through every name I could think of til finally settling on ‘Dakota’.
Your name means “friend to all” and you sure were. All the neighbor dogs would come to our house to hang out. That was your pack and when they were there I could tell you felt 10 feet tall… even though you were only 35 pounds. There was Rawdog, Weasel, Brown Dog, Bear and your very best friend, Nemo. 6 dogs – all together.
From the time you were a pup, you cuddled and boy did you have me wrapped around your little paw. As I would hold you in the crook of my arms, like a baby, you would rest your head on my chest, and fall asleep. you were always there with me.
Even when I was pregnant with Caitlyn, you would cuddle next to me on the couch and when we brought her home you were the first to say hello.
You loved running and playing; following me to feed the horses and getting into the horse manure was your favorite… bleh! lol. I loved that you enjoyed car rides and hanging out with me at the office.
You were so smart we would joke that you were a person in a dog suit. It only took me 5 minutes to teach you to sit. You could jump and catch treats; you could hear my voice from down the road when you decided to leave the yard. You had such a funny little jog that was so cute as you came running back.
We actually had several nicknames for you and you answered to them all — Dakota-pups; Dudes; Snoops; and when you were in trouble it was “Dakota Snoopy Renshaw!” Like a toddler, you totally understood when you were in trouble.
Towards the end of your days here on earth with me, you were hurting; I knew it deep down because you stopped wanting to be cuddled. You would still say hello, wag your tail as you greeted me and let me pat you. I could still kiss your head too. My head knew you were tired but my heart didn’t want to let go…. it still doesn’t.
It’s been 2-1/2 months and my heart still hurts. I try to be ok; to act ok and really deep down I hurt. My heart aches for you so much and I just want you back. It’s just not the same without you here. Getting another dog won’t heal that hurt…I’m just not ready yet. The wound still feels so very raw. And besides… we do still have Shug.
This past weekend while my daughter had a friend over, they visited where we put you to rest – under a tree in our yard. The girls came over afterwards and told me they had said a prayer together. Her friend asked why you were gone and I told her that it was just your time to go. I honestly didn’t even know how to answer.
The kids miss you; Andy misses you; I miss you…even our other dog (Shug) misses you.
Today when I walked down the hall at my office, I thought I saw you come out from around the corner, almost like you were waiting for me to arrive today. I gasped and realized it was a trick of light but what I wouldn’t give to kiss your little head just one more time.
But would one more kiss or hug ever be enough?
Functioning the week after was a moment by moment task. My brain could not even process the simplest of information. My kids still had their demands and my other pets did too.
I let a lot go.
It was just about survival.
Since then I’ve been pretending to pick up the pieces and just carry on like I’m ok….staying as busy as I can…knowing if I slow down, talk about you or pause to think too much I might just let the pain in. I was thinking that if I just focused in on work it would make the pain go away. But it hasn’t. It just pushed it away temporarily.
No one likes pain or welcomes it in. I do believe letting the pain in and feeling it consume you is one of the hardest things to do yet necessary. Letting ourselves fall down sobbing is messy. We are told to pull up our boot straps and be strong b/c there are things to get done…. yet how do you get much done if inside our heart is missing a piece? How do I find joy again without my little sidekick? How do you fully process that grief amongst all the demands as a mom and business owner? How do you let the pain come in so you can feel it and move through it?
I can’t pretend anymore to be ok….because I’m still healing.
Some hearts heal by finding another fur-baby to love; others of us just need time and a really good cry. Both processes are ok…. I am one who needs time.
One thing that has helped is a gift my mother-in-law gave me after Dakota passed….a stuffed Snoopy. He’s a little smaller than you were but when I hold him, it reminds me of you, my sweet pup. I sense your presence as I fall asleep and it helps me get through. Snoopy was the best gift ever from her.
Dakota… I know you are up in heaven, running free from pain. I know you are back with your pack and so happy to be with your friends again. I just wish you were still here with me. I loved your funny little quirks and the way you would wag your tail when I came home.
Gosh I miss you so!!
Love,
Your momma forever
